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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 1,193 (some duplicates have been removed)
. crazy. [cheers a captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a fine one tonight. our good friend calvin trillin from calvin trillin & hobbs, the great cartoon, calvin trillin, you remember him peeing by the wall, and there is a tiger. (laughter) hey, quick, off the top, you remember that contest, the obama campaign had, you donate and you might win lunch with the president? (laughter) you are not going to believe who won! (laughter) >> president barack obama, mitt romney just wrached up lunch in the private dining room at the white house. >> jon: i can't believe it-- mitt romney, the guy is just lucky! he probably barely donated much money at all but he still got-- (laughter) the event was actually closed to cameras but we do have footage of governor romney arriving at the white house. i believe that is him there and then he's getting out and then-- (laughter) that's-- campaign is over. so he doesn't have to pre-- pretend any more. can wear that serengeti lion sash he hadn't been wearing. by th
and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart, tonight we have good guest, director-- director and star of brooklyn castle. the fascinating documentary about chess champions in an intermediate school in the city. i give it six pawns up, i don't know chess. so rooks? i'm an idiot. let's start tonight with the election. you know the election that just ended and the one you don't ever really want to hear about again, that one. presidential elections are never just about voting on who gets to run naked through the white house in the middle of the night. i'm looking at you, eisenhower. (laughter) somebody's been working out. it's also about ballot referendums, referenda-- ballo ballots-- if you are talking about ballot initiatives you have to talk california. a state that loves referendums even more than it does putting avocados on on things that it doesn't belong on. what is wrong with you people, that is a cheese steak, why would you mut avocado on a cheese stake. what did they vote, a tax exempt stat to us weirdoes on the bourd walk with snakes on a shoulder, cupcakes
) >> jon: yes, and by the way, what would it mean if you had lost the referendum. >> it means i'm going to smoke a lot of weed tonight. whooo! (applause) >> jon: and what would it mean if the broncos beat the panthers on sunday. >> it means i'm going to smoke a lot of weed tonight. whooo! (laughter) >> jon: what would it mean if-- gravity was still an effect on earth. >> it means i'm going to smoke a lot of weed tonight. whooo! >> jon: he's consistent. within the media it was a tale of two an kers. i'm going to play you both anchors discussing the story. see if you can find the narc. >> the governor of colorado issued a statement saying it's still illegal in the eyes of federal law so pot smokers shouldn't break out the cheetoes or goldfish too quickly. i'm sure that pot smokers know what he meant there. >> i guess they don't have entenmanns out there. >> i'm just going to take a guess, i have heard the term munchies before. >> what happened to malomars, was that no good any more? (applause) >> jon: look at williams. williams is going full metal stoner on this. (laughter) >> lester, you
and applause) >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart. good show today. fabulous author jon meacham. he's written a biography of jefferson. cher monohelmsley. (laughter). (laughter) hooray me! last night we had on the program jason sudeikis from s.n.l . a tremendous, very, very funny man, plays mitt romney and joe biden on the show and he was making a joke on the show about how wouldn't it be funny if in this election it turned out that romney and biden had both won and ended up as president and vice president, wouldn't that have been funny and i said, oh, i don't think that could happen, jason. as a man who knows a lot about like -- and he's like "well, i thought that was the scenario. well, it turns out that could happen! he was referring to a scenario which i found out later where if the electoral college was tied the president would have gotten kicked to the house of representatives where they might have picked mitt romney, the senate would have picked the vice president, they would have picked joe biden and that's how it would have happened. once again there'
and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. got a good one for you tonight. our guest gerard butler has a new film "facing mavericks." it's a film following sarah palin around. (laughter) whatever happened to that lady? i don't know. let's begin tonight with last night's presidential debate in boca raton, florida, which is spanish for "rat's mouth." (laughter) and yiddish for "heaven's waiting room." (laughter and applause) this is the third and-- thank god-- final debate between barack obama and mitt romney. to topic, foreign policy. bad news for president obama because -- >> in the history of presidents of the united states, he's our worst at foreign policy. >> this is a very weak ill-conceived foreign policy. every place you look is failure. >> the jimmy carter years look like the good old days compared to where we are right now. >> the president has communicated weakness. >> jon: weakness in foreign policy! obama is weaker than coolidge in foreign policy! weaker than polk! weaker than president flinchington j. craphispants. (laughter) as you know, the only pr
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, we have a good program. my name is jon stewart. my guest one william james bill o'reilly will be discussing his book killing kennedy which i can only assume is a confession. let's get right to, it. we know this is a deeply divided nation, until last night when something brought all americans together in agreement. >> president obama took a shell acting. >> he was not properly prepared for this. >> the president didn't bring his a game. >> he was just so dull. >> he looked tired to me. >> romney won hands down. >> he was very, very bad last night. >> jon: there is no red america there is no blue america there is only the america that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate. how bad was the defeat o bama lost despite mitt romney doing this. >> i'm sorry, i will stop the sub sid to pgs. i like big board, i like few, but i'm not going to keep on spending money on things to borrow money from china to pay for it. >> jon: mother [bleep] fired big board. a
on the g.o.p.'s demographic map. >> married women tended to favor mitt romney. >> jon: married women! (laughter) now why do you think specifically married women would favor mitt romney? please feel free to paint this demographic in the most positive light you can. >> married women think about the future of their children. >> they have more responsibility and you're running a household. >> so married you tend to be more settled, you're thinking about the kids, thinking about how the country's going to be when they grow up. >> they're not just some selfish (bleep). (laughter) (cheers and applause) oh. i'm sorry. they didn't say that. they paraphrased it. >> among single women, a whopping 67% voted for the president. >> i can't explain, for example, single women other than the abortion issue. >> their issue is about borg. >> turns out they are one-issue voters. >> we had women who could actually afford birth control, suburban college educated women turn out and say "i want free birth control." >> jon: i mean, it was unbelievable. these weren't gross slutty poor people women! we're talki
it's a special election neelt edition of the da daily show. my name is jon stewart. than exciting night here. this is the night the americans in the millions conduct some kind of real time poll. the results of which i'm sure will be contested the next day. we have some preliminary results. pennsylvania which as you know is a great state named after the great pendulum has gone most supporting barack obama. [crowd cheering] >> jon: the electoral vote. obviously that was a state that mitt romney at the very end made a play for, but the amish don't play that. good news from mitt romney he has won tonight making announcements right now most of the confederacy. he's the winner there. a lot of the electoral votes. michigan, 15 electoral votes it's mitt romney's, one of mitt romney's home states. most presings reporting, we're going to call that for barack obama. [crowd cheering] it's a shame that that car pulled out right by that. we've got an interesting senate race to report. there's a lot of attention on this race in massachusetts. there was a yuk ma young man nad scott brown versus
.vitac.com captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is jon stewart! we've got one for you tonight, man. we're not messing around. our guest tonight, noted -- (audience yells something) i'm sorry? i hope that was not an anti-semitic slur. our guest tonight -- (laughs) it's my birthday today so -- (cheers and applause) thank you for the kind wishes. (cheers and applause) thank you for the kind birthday wishes, again, thank you. very kind. but let's get to our show! the noted author and inventor neil young is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) we begin tonight with the attacks on the u.s. consulate in benghazi, libya. it was a tragic situation where american lives were lost and in the three months since the attack, legitimate questions of adequate embassy security, americas overall advocacy in fighting the war on terror and the intricate dance between national security confidentiality and the public's right to know have all been distilled down, thrown out and replaced with this one urgent conclusion concerning current u.s. amba
, this is the daily show with jon stewart. >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. my guest mike huckabee of the fox news program huckabee will be on the program. he's clearly landed in the right place for himself in terms of hosting. i just want to tell you very quickly, hurricane sandy relief efforts still slowly but surely advancing. the red cross, fema companies doing a nice job except obviously the power company in long island. [bleep]. it would be a shame if you lost power. but here is the thing about the conditions. it's much worse than you probably understand even from the vivid and horrific nature of the images you've seen. the destruction and devastation. the crazy part some of the hardest hit area are places heavily populated with our first responders. firefighters, police, sanitation, e.m.t.s, all live very heavily in these areas. people we rely on when we are in trouble. the dedication of rescue workers, volunteers has been phenomenal but there's still huge needs for hands-on help out there. we work with a particularly great group.
from being the united states secretary of state. she's not qualified. >> jon: that's senator john mccain continuing his seven year quest to negate every good thing he'd ever done prior to that. (laughter) this time leading the charge to preempt as an of now hypothetical obama nomination for secretary of state to replace hillary clinton. why? because five days after the benghazi attacks, susan rice went on the sunday talk shows and said this: . >> the best assessment we have today is that in fact this was not a preplanned, premeditated attack. that what happened initially was a spontaneous reaction to what had just transpired in cairo as a consequence of the video. >> jon: (whit perking) we know that that's wrong now. and we now know many in the obama administration knew immediately that that statement was wrong. that the attackers were not angry film critics. (laughter) but al qaeda or one of al qaeda's able a. teams, the ansar al-sharia mud hens. (laughter) so susan rice met yesterday with senators mccain, graham and ayotte to clear the air. how did that go? >> ambassador rice i thi
supporting barack obama. [crowd cheering] >> jon: the electoral vote. obviously that was a state that mitt romney at the very end made a play for, but the amish don't play that. good news from mitt romney he has won tonight making announcements right now most of the confederacy. he's the winner there. a lot of the electoral votes. michigan, 15 electoral votes it's mitt romney's, one of mitt romney's home states. most presings reporting, we're going to call that for barack obama. [crowd cheering] it's a shame that that car pulled out right by that. we've got an interesting senate race to report. there's a lot of attention on this race in massachusetts. there was a yuk ma young man nad scott brown versus a gentlewoman named elizabeth warren, she has won the senate race. [crowd cheering] oh. going overboard buy his own tea partyers. right now the big state we're looking at is ohio because it's really the only state we've ever been looking at. and florida is, and again we are live so i don't know if this is okay, but florida is tonight a guy i gigantic bubble. that's two close to call and ohio
fall from grace of one of the most respected military men of this generation >> jon: don't be america one of the most respected military men of this generation. c.i.a. director and retired four-star general david petraeus stepped down friday after admit to go an extra marital affair. >> jon: it was captain america. the four-star general and current c.i.a. director caught in a web of sexual intrigue. c.i.a. director, perhaps, this isn't a sexy soviet agent with one of them naughty innuendo names like sonnia vaginov or natalie fellatiovich. and his con vaiveing paramoru told on him. is that how they found out about this? >> law enforcement and multiple u.s. officials tell nbc news that emails between him and paula broadwell, his biography were indicative of an extra marital affair. >> jon: really? email? all they had to do to nab america's spy-master general is log to his email? we can intrigue that little sound bite up a little bit? >> law enforcement and multiple u.s. officials tell abc news that emails between him and paula broadwell his biographer were indicative of an extra marital
[cheers and applause] [applause] (cheers and applause). >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. good a good one tonight. from "saturday night live", the very funny jason sudeikis is going to be joining us later. it was just one week ago tonight that barack obama won reelection to the presidency ending a heated political campaign and hopefully setting the stage for the healing that this country so desperately needs. >> the white house has received online petitions from not so proud americans in 20 states who would like to secede from the union. (laughter) wait! i'm not sure exactly which 20 states those are or which people in those 20 state bus i think i can best express how i feel about these states and people in the word of the great william wonka. >> (flatly) stop, don't, come back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: at least now i'm beginning to understand why southern states were so hesitant to get rid of the confederate flag. it's like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. (laughter) you're happy for now with the new you but pret
(cheers and applause) >> jon: at least now i'm beginning to understand why southern states were so hesitant to get rid of the confederate flag. it's like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. (laughter) you're happy for now with the new you but pretty soon you're going to need those fat pants again. there's pizza in staten island and -- i'm not surprised. we were warned reelect that obama would have dire consequences for our union, for our standing in the world, and retail! >> west gate resort c.e.o. david siegel e-mailed his employees and said he would have no choice but to fire people if president obama is reelected and his personal income tax rates go up. robert murray, c.e.o. of murray energy sent a letter to his employees hectoring them to donate to the company's political action committee telling them if they did not "the coal industry will be eliminated and so will your jobs." >> jon: well, guess what? those people were right. despite no objective change in who's running the country or the situation the country is in, c.e.o.s are taking action. like coal magnate
headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. oh, our guest tonight, a good one, tv journalist, co-founder the bob woodruff foundation, bob woodruff, he'll be joining us. now obviously new york still reeling from the affects of the superstorm this whole region. things are getting back to normal in small measures. this morning, in fact, crazy person was outside my window yelling we're all going to die! and it was mayor bloomberg was-- it was him. (laughter) and he wasn't talking about the storm. he was talking about transfats. (laughter) but so everything seems to be coming around. (laughter) i'm actually so proud of this area. still very thankful to be in soggy portion we areless new york. because, and this is true, you have to keep perspective n someplaces in this country, it's even worse. >> the candidates are spending so much time here it's as if they are running for president of ohio. >> residents are fa
and applause) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest journalist martha raddatz will be here, moderator and the winner of this year's vice presidential debate. a very rough weekend in the tri-state area. i'm sure by now you've all seen pictures of the damage. here's something you might want to look at. these are marathon runners who channeled their disappointment in the cancellation of the marathon into volunteering to help storm clean-up. ( cheers and applause ) it was very, very moving. it's enough to make you not that annoyed by marathon runners. not quite. obviously all donations still greatly appreciated. the sandy relief fund dot-org. your i-tunes dot-com slash red cross. you have your united way nyc dot-organ the salvation army usa dot-org. we'll give you the websites for the giant nor'easter coming on wednesday. somehow we have annoyed god. we'll begi
post apocalyptic reality where all you see are political ads? (laughter) >> jon: imagine it? i wrote a screenplay about it. clevelandfield. (laughter) jk an rams. sandy has devastated our region but at least we don't live in swing state hell ! (cheers and applause) that's sad that is what we did in this building here with the electricity that we have. (laughter) people downtown are drinking their own urine and we're up here. for whatever reason both campaigns have crunched the numbers, studied this election's metrics and decided that the only electoral votes of consequence in 2012 are the 18 that reside in the great state of ohio. while the rest of us are free to pursue work, family, recreation, ohioans must reconcile their role as this year's --. >> there's more money being spent on political ads in ohio than in any other state. 181 million dollars so far, in columbus, more than 6600 ads just this month. that's 333 a day. for sue and jack mckittrick of dublin, ohio, the barrage begins before day break. she's undecided. he support as romney. >> the ads are continuously from 5:00 in t
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: boom! boom! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the daily show"! we are back! my name is jon stewart. welcome back. my goodness. what -- wow! did you ever have one of those days where everything you ever loved as a child was underwater? (laughter) obviously absolutely insane situation unfolded here in the new jersey new york tristate eastern sea board -- for those fortunate enough to make it through steel dealing with the aftereffects, millions without power and water, thousands displaced from their homes. here in manhattan the power is still out downtown or, as we refer to it now, little north carolina. (laughter) for more on the city and the aftereffects of hurricane sandy we go to al madrigal. al, what's the scene like downtown, al? (laughter) >> john, downtown's still devastated. many tunnels filled with sea water, grocery stores emptied and there's been no electricity since the substation exploded just around there up 14th street. (laughter). >> jon: al, what is that strapped to your back, al? >> oh, yeah, it's a machete, john. see, there's two t
there up 14th street. (laughter). >> jon: al, what is that strapped to your back, al? >> oh, yeah, it's a machete, john. see, there's two types of folks still down here in no-juice town. (laughter) people with machetes and dead people without machetes. (laughter). >> jon: al, we're going to go up town to john oliver. john, what's it like up there? (laughter) >> it's a total hell scape up here. for starters-- and i don't want to cause a panic-- serendipity has run out of mocha sprinkles. (laughter) which begs the question, john, where the (bleep) is fema when you need them? (laughter) i will say, though, i don't know if you're tried serendipity's he can of a job brownie but it is to die for. >> jon: jessica, is that you? >> yeah! >> jon: are those rats on your jacket? >> yeah, you buying? free range. fresh. (laughter) very fresh. >> jon: jessica, is everything okay? >> i knew i should have moved to the upper west side but, no, lower east side is where it's at. lower east side is cool. they have indian food! >> jess, jessica, please understand that life up here is no picnic. we're barel
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! welcome to "the daily show," my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, warren buffett and financial journalist carol loomis. they are on the show tonight and -- tonight meeting for the first time on this show. (laughter) they wrote a book together, actually. as you know, if there's one thing all americans can agree on, we love black friday. whether you're a fan of shopping or trampling. (laughter) which is why i was just -- i was so upset to see on this holiest of days a news story about people protesting in front of their local wal-mart. >> thousands of wal-mart employees are staging walkouts and protests over this holiday weekend. the workers are upset about having to work on thanksgiving day and they're also speaking out for better pay and benefits. >> jon: what? (laughter) you get to work at wal-mart on thanksgiving day! (laughter) a ring side seat to the greatest show on earth. >> i it's a black friday tradition. >> (bleep). i'll stab one of you mother (bleep) (audience reacts). >> jon: do you know ho
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 1,193 (some duplicates have been removed)